A weaning story

After a cherished nursing relationship for 2 full years, there were a lot of signs that it was a good time to let go of this part of our relationship. Here are some of the reasons it felt right to say good-bye to nursing:

1. I was just about to start my 3rd trimester with baby #2. Unlike many other mamas I’ve spoken with and heard from, I could not work up any excitement about the prospect of tandem nursing my 2-year-old and my newborn. I can totally recognize the benefits that might come with tandem nursing, especially easing the transition for a toddler learning to share mama, and tempering some of the jealousy of the new baby. However, knowing how much time is spent in a given day nursing a newborn on demand, I have been very worried that feeling obligated to nurse my independent, well-nourished toddler after hours (and hours!) of breastfeeding her tiny, completely dependent sister would very likely cause some resentment (in me). And feelings of resentment are the last thing I want to battle when showing Evee how much I love her and how special she is to me despite the arrival of a new baby.

Evee couldn’t be more excited about her little sister 🙂

2. Pregnancy changes the physical side of nursing. For me, it was mostly just a strong increase in nipple sensitivity. Other women complain about supply issues, or maneuvering around a growing belly, but those weren’t really issues for us. However, although Evee is the most gentle, loving and conscientious nursling ever, after about 1/2 way through my pregnancy, the start of a nursing session was always painful.

3. We were already down to 1-3 nursing sessions a day (before bed, first thing in the morning and at the start of nap, in that order of importance) so a good bit of the weaning process was behind us. Quitting nursing cold-turkey with an infant or toddler that nurses many times a day might be pretty traumatic for the child and at least very physically difficult on the mom who might have to battle engorgement, mastitis, etc.

4. Although Evee still enjoyed nursing very much, she has become very easy to talk to and reason with. This means I had a good chance of being able to explain the plan and get her on board.

Watching our little toddler become increasingly independent is so bittersweet

So I chose a time when Josh and I would both be at home with no traveling agenda for a few consecutive weeks. Almost a week before I planned to start weaning, I talked with Evee about it. I explained that nursing was hurting mama (which she already realized) and that I thought she was ready to say “bye-bye” and “all done” to nursing. At first, she was like “whatever, mom. Stop talking and take off your shirt.” But then I started talking about how after she went a week without nursing, we would throw an “All Done Nursing Party” for her. Well, having just celebrated her 2nd birthday, she was finely attuned to the word “party” and I had caught her interest. So first we gave up the occasional morning and naptime nursing sessions. This was very easy: instead of bringing her to our bed to lounge and nurse for 20 minutes before getting up, I’d just snuggle her awake in her bed and we’d launch into her day. She loves talking about breakfast options right when she gets up, so it was easy to get her talking about food as a distraction away from nursing. And Josh just took over putting her down for nap for the next few days by reading to her and snuggling her a bit.

It’s so important to do some extra cuddling when weaning a toddler

After almost a week of only nursing right before bed, we were ready to try giving that nursing session up, too. We tried 2 different tactics. Some nights Josh would put Evee to bed the same way he puts her down for nap. Since that was already a routine event (only the time of day was changing) there was no llama drama there. But other nights, I’d try to put her to bed using the same tactics I always use but without nursing. So that means I’d try to lie down and snuggle with her in my bed until she fell asleep. Since I’m already 30lb into my pregnancy, snuggling with her on her crappy twin mattress without my wall of support pillows is just not an option. Well, using the party as enticement, she was ok with just snuggling and not nursing, but instead of the extremely peaceful and relatively fast trip to slumberland that I was accustomed to after 2 years of nursing her to sleep, Evee was restless, flopping around, chit-chatting and so NOT sleepy. And although Josh has put her to sleep much less often than I have, he had become accustomed to longer, somewhat frustrating battles to sleep whereas I enjoyed all the blessings and ease of nursing a child to sleep. To be blunt, I was not patient enough. So after a few unsuccessful attempts to share the work, we decided to have Josh in charge of all naptime and bedtime routines for a week or so to help us through the transition.

After a few days of no nursing at all, Evee got a nasty stomach virus with vomiting, diarrhea and high temperatures. On the first night, her temp spiked to 104.3*F – a full degree higher than I had EVER seen with her before. Even though a few of her still-nursing toddler friends also got the virus and didn’t handle it any better, I felt very guilty about weaning at a time like this. Would she have gotten sick if we hadn’t quit nursing? Wouldn’t she handle it better if we could nurse through it? She felt absolutely terrible, and so did I. So I buckled a bit and nursed her at naptime the next 2 days. These were long nursing sessions and were some of the only hours those days that she seemed even remotely comfortable. Thanks to nursing, lots of vigilance on my part and probably some good luck, she stayed well hydrated throughout the illness and we avoided the emergency room. After 3 days, the worst of the virus was over and it was time to re-adopt our no-nursing policy. However, now that I had shown some inconsistency in the weaning regime, I lost her easy acceptance of not nursing for sleep. So the first day after the virus, naptime was terrible. She shed the first (and only) tears about not nursing, and so did I. Once she finally got to sleep, I started to doubt everything. Weaning was easy when she was cheerful and accepting (albeit a bit more difficult to put to sleep), but I didn’t have the emotional energy or the will power to wean an unwilling toddler.

Luckily, I didn’t really have to make any hard decisions because other than that one naptime, the remainder of the weaning process was tear-free and easygoing. Ash and Tommy came for a weekend visit a few days later and we had our All Done Nursing Party. We cheated, because given our setback during her virus, she hadn’t actually been a whole week without nursing. However, since we had been advertising Ash and Tommy’s presence at her party (and since she has no idea what a “week” actually means) we decided to go ahead with it. Ash and I made pink cupcakes with little M&M nipples, and Evee has been bragging about her boobie cupcakes ever since 😉 We barbecued and gave her a small gift and she was thrilled.

Skills learned during raunchy college parties can sometimes come in handy for parenting

It’s now been almost 2 weeks since we last nursed and I would guess that we are officially and completely weaned. Once in a while she’ll ask to “nurse and nap in the living room” and I’ll remind her that we already had our All Done Nursing Party. She’ll reminisce about the boobie cupcakes and I’ll cradle her in my arms to give her that closeness that she’s craving. After a minute or two of nestling against my chest with a sweet smile, she’ll scamper off to grab a toy or chase a kitty cat. Having Josh’s support and his willingness to patiently snuggle her to sleep for the first week was a big part of our success with our almost-tear-free weaning.

Right after our visit from Ash and Tommy, we changed up the naptime and bedtime routine to something that will work better for us for a long term strategy. We still read a stack of picture books with the whole family snuggled up together as we always did, but this time it’s in her bed instead of ours. Then, we both tuck her into her big girl bed with hugs and kisses and turn off the light, but one of us stays behind (we’ve been taking turns) and reads her a chapter from a chapter book in the dark. We’ve been using the kindle so we can have the lights off, but we’re going to invest in a book light soon so we’ll be able to use paper books too. We are starting her with “The Horse and His Boy”, which was my favorite from The Chronicles of Narnia. The language is definitely over her head, but she absolutely loves listening to the story and always asks for it at bedtime. We read a whole chapter, and sometimes she falls asleep but usually she doesn’t. The chapters take enough time to read (15-20 minutes) that she’s snuggled into bed, comfortable in the dark and having mama leave the room doesn’t feel like an abrupt transition. I just kiss her goodnight, and she says “Sleep tight, mama!” and I go to my own room.

Apart from nursing, reading is probably the best way to get children feeling sleepy

So far, at least for nighttime, this has been wildly successful. She stays in bed, sometimes chatting to herself for a little while, and drifts off on her own. Did you hear me? She falls asleep on her own. Totally content. Once in a while she’ll call out for mama and daddy and ask for a sip of water or another kiss and hug, but usually not. And she’s sleeping through the night 75% of the time. The other 25% of the time she’s only up once, and Josh has been going in and either reading or singing for a couple of minutes and then rocking quietly for 5-10 minutes after that. While he has heroically taken over nighttime parenting to give me the chance to get as much rest as possible, I’m happy to say that we are all better rested than we have ever been since Evee was born. (Just in time for our sleep to get shaken up by a newborn, am I right?)